Happy Birthday Paul!

It was December the 30th. A cold winter day, when Jenni, Casey, and myself went out to visit Paul for his birthday. Bowling, Ugh. I hate bowling. Not only am I spectacularly bad at it, every time I am at a bowling alley I attract the dumbest, drunkest person there. "Blah-blah-blah you are tall, blah-blah-blah I am a moron," and so on and so fourth. To complete the trifecta of the fucktardary that is bowling, you have to wear someone else's shoes, there seems to be something fundamentally wrong with that. So I abstain from the act of bowling and two of the three irritants. Thus making it a tolerable once in a while event.

When we arrived we met Paul and the rest of the group in the bar. While the boys played pool, the girls sat around and tried very hard not to pull out each other's hair.


IN THE RED CORNER: THE CRAAAAAAAAZY TAXI, THE REIGNING CHAMPION, JEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNIIIIIIIIII!


IN THE BLUE CORNER: THE CHALLENGER, THE TINY SLUT, KKKKKKKKKAAAAAARRRRRIIIIIIII!

These two have been duking it out for years. This year, I was called in as backup to prevent some cataclysmic event from happening. As Kari tends to attempt make out with/hump anything that stands still long enough (men, women, curio cabinets) I was a shade apprehensive about being the referee. At a Halloween party she was so wasted she started grinding on some one's leg while sitting on the ground. This person was having a conversation with another person at the time and not paying attention to Kari at all, which did not seem to thwart her plans. I quite literally picked her up by the seat of her pants, and helped her stand so she could be in a safe place because 1) I felt a little bad for her, 2) I was helping Jenni keep tabs on the drunkies at her party. She turned around and stuck her tongue out at me and played with her tongue ring in what I would guess she thought as an enticing manner, it was certainly suggestive, I ignored it (this memory affirmed I was safe, as there was no way she could reach me). I began to steer this tiny person to a place for a glass of water because she obviously would need it in the morning, when she fell to the ground towards the bathroom and told me she had to go. At this point I left her to her own devices. I had a cemetery cake to cut. Yes, I did wash my hands first.

I did not know what to expect, had she matured at all? Was she still humping people that weren't paying attention to her/random objects? I knew I was more of a backup than an actual enforcer, Jenni could take care of herself, she already super glued this girl's fingers together when they briefly worked at the same place. I was mainly there to be extra bitchy on Jenni's behalf, and finally see August after I don't even know how many years, oh and be there for Paul on his birthday.

Fortunately Tinfoil is not 21 yet. So we had an opportunity to be "forced" to move away from the tiny slut and the people unfortunate enough to sit next to her without causing much of a stir.

We dined alone and had fantastic sandwiches and fries with good company (I don't count brad as good company, although I mostly do my best to ignore him, and at that point he was heavily medicated and a sort of null entity, so he doesn't count when tallying people). The gossip was mostly hair related. Kari is a professional hair stylist, and somehow always manages to have hair that looks awful. This time it was dyed black (the color Jenni mostly dyes her hair), but unevenly so, as if she tried a different color and failed, which was then over processed and still different colors in certain places, and cut choppy but had no movement. Little wisps were pulled in front of her ears in an attempt to create an elfin look (or at least we think so). However, her hair was so thin her ears just looked like they were sticking out at an unnatural angle. It was, well, a little sad.

Finally it was time to bowl.

Casey: I am so excited, this will be just like Wii bowling, only real!
Me: Yes, one step up from virtual reality, actual reality.
Me and Casey: (grin)

I sat with Bob and Tinfoil and chatted while everyone else was bowling. I filled Tinfoil in on the gossip about all of our former close friends and the schism that makes Paul's birthdays a little awkward.

Bob was zoning out, most likely tired because he has an early start for his job. So, I tried to bring him back into our conversation.

Me: That's the story Bob.
Bob: Huh?
Me: I was filling her in on the story of the tiny slut.
Bob: Who?
Tinfoil: The Witch with the big nose.
Bob: Oh, her.


We talked about other things, the housing market, 401k investments, the way brad kept chest hitting Casey after every single time he knocked a pin down. I attempted to win a hippopotamus (for Christmas) out of the claw machine about 6 times and failed, stupid new-fangled claw machines.

Finally August acknowledged me, with a real smile and a greeting. We didn't have a chance to talk much, but our one conversation was playful and reminded me of all the good times we had staying up all night talking until we could hear the birds start to chirp, then fall blissfully asleep despite the relatively uncomfortable place we were about to pass out (usually the floor).

Jenni gave up bowling after the third game or so, and sat with us. Then, Kari came over to the table.

Kari: What are you party poopers doing?
(crickets)
Jenni: Sitting up here. (takes off her hat)
Me: Your hat messed up your part (reaches across the table to fix it)
Jenni: (sakes her hair) There?
Me: (reaching again, just out of my reach) ::sigh:: No, that didn't work.
Kari: No it didn't Morgaine, GOD! (stomps away)
Me, Bob, Tinfoil: (bewilderd looks)
Jenni: (rolls eyes) UGH.

(previous conversation continues)

At the end of the evening Paul claimed to have a very happy birthday even if there was a little tension. It might have had something to do with the amount of alcohol he consumed. He gave everyone hugs goodbye about six times, but we weren't complaining.


After we left Jenni filled us in on some of the very immature and inappropriate things Kari was doing when people weren't around, like rubbing herself against Jenni when she was turning in her shoes and saying "God, Jenni don't be such a perv!" to which Jenni replied "Whatever, psycho." and walked away.

Unfortunatly, sitting around holding a gossipy conversation about a person while in the same room with them, with the occasional break of a video game, or decent conversation was by far the more mature behevior between the two.

THE WINNER AND STILL CHAMPION: JEEEEEEEEENNNNNIIIIIIIIIII!

Oh, and Happy Birthday, Paul!